Shifting her elbow beneath her, she began to rise. Bryan continued to hold her tightly, preventing her from completing the motion. She paused, surprised by his subtle restraint.
“I get it,” he told her, keeping his voice low. “We’ll figure something out.”
Figure something out!
Beth began squirming underneath him, twisting her body to break free of his hold on her. He resisted at first, but then finally released her. Propped up on her elbow, she stared down hard at him. She could make out the outlines of his face by the shadows visible there. His eyes looked back at her with bright intensity.
“This is our daughter we’re talking about here, Bryan!” Her voice rose, but remained a loud whisper that she hoped would not carry to the children’s rooms. “Our daughter.”
Bryan stared back at her. His expression did not change; his lips did not move. If there was anything that he wanted to say, any response he might have to her statement, he kept it to himself for now.
Beth pushed herself upward, almost sitting upright now. She slapped her husband hard across his chest.
“Bryan!”
He stared back at her without flinching. Beth stared down at her own hand, examining it as if it were not a part of her, as if it belonged to someone else. She had not meant to strike him. She could not even remember thinking about doing so . . . but she had done it.
She continued to stare at her hand for several long moments and then let it drop to her side. She collapsed onto Bryan, landing with her head on his smooth, tightly-muscled chest. She did not start weeping again. She wanted to, but could not find the strength to let the tears loose again. Instead, she sighed deeply and tried not to whimper.
Bryan’s arms enfolded her gently once more. Instead of feeling restrained, she felt warmly cocooned in a safe place. Her mind still struggled with terror over her daughter’s possible fate, but she no longer felt the urge to strike out—at least not at her husband. Exhausted now, she drifted off to a restless sleep.
When Beth woke up the next morning, her eyes felt grainy and raw. Then she remembered the night before and sighed. Bryan was gone, already on his way to work.
Probably already there, Beth concluded, glancing at the display of the clock on her nightstand.
He had managed to leave, as usual, without waking her. When they were first married, this had annoyed her to no end, while Bryan had believed that he were merely being considerate. Emotionally, she had believed a morning farewell kiss to be thoughtful and romantic, while pragmatically it also helped to ensure that she would not sleep past her own alarm.
A few children later, she had come to see it his way. Uninterrupted sleep became a rare and precious commodity. That extra hour or so, when she could get it, sometimes made all the difference in her ability to deal with her day.
Beth stretched, resisting the temptation to rub at her eyes, not wanting to grind the grit back into them. Her eyes also felt swollen, more than was usual in the morning.
Probably all that crying you did last night, she silently chided herself, although she did not feel particularly ashamed about it.
She sat on the edge of the bed, trying to hold back a yawn, remembering what all of the tears had been about. Her fears were no less real than they had been the night before, but they felt a bit less immediate than they had. They had more than two years before Jessica would face the same judgement that Denice had. Far from a lifetime, she knew, but long enough.
Long enough for things to change, she told herself, searching for some hope.
Long enough for what, Beth did not know.
She rose from the bed and shuffled toward the bathroom, her melancholy replaced with her recognition of a more basic and immediate biological need.
A short time later, while she was in the midst of both preparing breakfast and packing lunches, the first of her progeny descended the stairs and entered the kitchen. Beth knew without turning who it was, basing her deduction solely on the sound and cadence of the footfalls.
“Good morning, Ani,” she called out to her youngest daughter. “Pancakes will be ready in a minute.”
Annalise remained still, staying where she was, and made no signs of moving toward the kitchen table.
“Jessie’s sick, mama,” her daughter told her.
Beth looked up from the griddle and studied her youngest daughter.
“What?”
Annalise nodded. “She threw up in the hallway.”
Refusing to surrender to a sense of growing panic, Beth placed the spatula on the counter and turned off the griddle. Wiping her hands absently on her apron, she headed quickly for the stairway.
Entering the second-story hallway, she caught an acrid hint of what was, unfortunately, an all-too-familiar odor. She swallowed hard against her automatic reflexes and then the lumpy, viscous puddle on the carpet less than a meter from the children’s shared bathroom.
At least she tried . . .
She averted her eyes, and then held her breath as she passed the mess, trying not to think of the unpleasant cleaning task ahead of her.
Beth checked the bathroom first, but found it empty. It smelled as it normally did: a slight bit musty with a faint, sharp tang of chlorine. It did not seem as though Jessica had made it there, Beth decided, so she closed the door and headed toward the bedroom that Jessica shared with Annalise.
The door was ajar and Beth saw Jessica sprawled diagonally across the bed, her comforter pulled up haphazardly around her. Her head was turned away from the door, her face buried in her pillow. Beth sat down carefully on the edge of the bed and rested her hand on her daughter’s back. The tightness in Beth’s chest eased when she felt the regular rhythm of her daughter’s breathing.
She reached over and touched her daughter’s forehead. Beth’s fingertips tingled with the heat of her daughter’s fever. Again, she felt relief upon discovering that it was probably due to some illness and most likely not from something foolish that her daughter might have done with her friends the night before.
“Jessica,” she whispered. “Jessie?” she repeated when her daughter did not answer her.
Jessica mumbled something into her pillow.
Beth tried again, resting her hand now on her daughter’s shoulder. “Jessie.” She tugged very lightly, just enough, she hoped, to get her daughter’s attention. “Jessie,” she repeated. “Come on.”
Her daughter’s words were lost in the depths of her pillow.
“Come on, sweetie,” Beth urged her. “Turn over so I can see you.”
Muffled noises sounded again, but this time Jessica began to slowly turn to face her mother. Jessica’s eyes shone brightly, but they did not focus on her mother. Flushed with red, Beth could almost see the heat radiating from her daughter’s cheeks. Her breath stopped, though, when she saw the dark twin streams that issued for her daughter’s nostrils. A fever was one thing, Beth knew, having dealt with her family’s fair share of flu and other school-borne illnesses. But she had never seen one like this.
“Ani,” she said, trying to keep her voice steady and calm. Her youngest daughter had followed her back upstairs and had waited in the doorway. “Get me my phone, please,” she told Annalise. “Right now.”
“Yes, mama,” Annalise replied softly, and was gone before Beth could turn to add anything else.