Building Baby Brother (continued)

In the span of only a few weeks, Josh and I had gone from “Dad, do you want to play?” to “Dad, do you want to watch?” By constructing Gavin, I had fashioned my own replacement in parts of Josh’s life—parts that I had not, until that moment, realized how much I cherished. It was then that I recognized as well that I had allowed Gavin to become my surrogate. I used him to keep Josh entertained so that I could complete housework chores without interruption and also pursue my own projects. I had not spent nearly the amount of time that I normally would have with my son.

Occasionally, Josh would look over at me. Nothing in his glance told me that I was unwelcome. If anything, he seemed comforted to see that I was still there. I took some comfort in that. I had always known that, someday, this would happen. I had rather expected it to be when he was a bit older than this, when he entered high school perhaps, not now.

“Dad?”

Josh’s voice was soft and quiet, but it still managed to break through my reverie.

I looked at him and managed to focus. It took me a moment to recognize what impaired my vision. I blinked back tears, clearing my eyes.

“Is something wrong?”

He leaned forward. His face was filled with concern.

“Fine,” I told him, nodding slightly. “I’m fine.”

He looked dubious. I managed a small, but sincere, smile. That seemed to reassure him.

I took a deep breath, reforming my fractured composure. I glanced toward the screen. There seemed to be a break in the action.