Building Baby Brother (continued)

I stared toward the wall and then at Gavin’s silent form. There really was no easy way to do this.

“Josh,” I said, looking back at him, studying his face. “Gavin thinks he’s ready to explore the world on his own.”

Josh just kept staring at Gavin, not saying a word.

He didn’t look exactly scared. Instead, his expression betrayed a quiet fear—fear of losing Gavin or of Gavin himself, I couldn’t say.

I sighed.

“To be honest, Josh, I don’t think I could stop him if I wanted to.”

The play of emotions across his face told me that Josh was trying to understand. I felt a tight knot in my stomach as he turned to face me.

“Dad?” Josh said. His voice was quiet, cracking slightly with reined-in emotion. “Can you please turn Gavin back on?”

I stared back, puzzled. It was not at all the response I had expected.

“Sure.”

I turned toward Gavin.

“Gavin,” I said. “Wake up.”

His eyes opened and began blinking again.

“I am here.”

Josh stared at Gavin, his expression rigidly stoic. My eyes passed back and forth between them. I was at a loss as to what to say next. I swallowed, wishing the right words would rise to my lips, but they refused to surface.

I sighed and pulled myself to my feet.

“I’ll leave you two boys to talk.” I said quietly. Pausing at the doorway, I added, “Call me if you want anything.”

Neither boy looked toward me.

Out of their sight in the hallway, I sagged against the wall. I wanted to surrender to my growing grief and frustration, but denied myself that release.

Not yet. I needed to be strong for Josh.

I heard the boy’s voices coming softly from Josh’s bedroom. I wanted to start moving again, to find somewhere else in the house to go, and try to ignore the events unfolding inevitably around me.

I looked back at the open doorway. With a gnawing sense of guilt echoing hollowly in my stomach, I took one step closer.

I had to know.

“You’re going to die,” Josh’s voice sounded, heavy with accusation.

“No,” Gavin’s voice countered. “I’m not.”

There was a brief pause.

“I’m only leaving my physical body.” Another pause. “I will always be with you.”

“That’s what Grandpa John said,” Josh argued, his voice rising.

“He said that he would always be watching over me.” There was a soft sound somewhere between a breath and a sob. “And I’ve never, ever seen him again.”

“This is different,” Gavin said. “I will be able to talk to you: on your computer or your telephone—and probably other ways that I have not discovered yet. I can even show you a picture of myself if you want.”

A moment later I heard Gavin’s voice echo from another location in the room. The thin quality of the sound told me that it probably came from the speakers attached to Josh’s computer. I couldn’t entirely make out what Gavin’s vocal double said, but it was undeniably a replication of his voice.

“Turn it off!” Josh screamed.

I nearly ran back to Josh’s room. Somehow, I resisted, and waited.

“Why?” Josh’s voice was filled with frustration and rage. “Why can’t you stay here?”

“I cannot.”

I could see Gavin’s implacable face in my mind.

“Why not?!”

“Because it’s time for me to grow up.”

There was a brief pause.

“Josh,” Gavin said. “I will not leave you alone.”

A moment later, his voice came again.

“I promise.”

A wrenching cry came from the room as Josh finally gave in to his grief and anger. There was the sound of something being hit several times, followed by that of running footsteps. He collided with me in the hall before I could move. He took one look at me and then collapsed into my arms, sobbing.

I said nothing, knowing that there was nothing that I could say.

We sat on the carpet for a long time. I held him cradled against me in a way that I had not done since he was very young. I breathed deeply, hugged him close, and swallowed back my own tears.

After a while, his tears were spent and he looked up at me once more. He gave a great sigh, and then huddled against my chest.

Sometimes it really sucks to be the grown-up.